Perspective on life after 3 gin and seltzer drinks

Ahh. It has been a very stressful day/week, and I have ended it with 3 gin and seltzer drinks. Life seems a little less scary after 3 gin and seltzer drinks. It seems more relaxing, more hopeful somehow. I am not supposed to drink 3 gin and seltzer drinks--not even one. Too bad. Sometimes, you just gotta.

I am almost able to forget that today it is 14 years since my father died. My brother and mother visit his gravesite. Not me. It does not comfort me. It agitates me. It makes me incredibly sad. All I keep thinking about are his hands--how they created all kinds of beauty--art--how he hugged and held his grandchildren with them. Now they are just bones. No, not comforting. at. all. I miss him every single day. Not just on the death day. Every single day is hard. Not just the death day. Why do people put such emphasis on that one day?? I just don't get it. I wish he could see John and Dan. I wish he could hear Dan sing. I wish he were here to be a buffer between me and mother. I wish he could soften the blows. I wish for just one more bear hug, one more laugh, one more funny story, one more recitation of a story poem, one more Irish song, one more Dad breakfast, one more look of love and incredible joy when gazing upon his grandchildren, one more time seeing him looking out the window waiting for us to arrive-jumping out of his chair to run out the door to greet us all.

It has been a long week. The first week of school. Countless rehearsals for Dan. Lots of hours for John and John. Lots of cleaning, organizing, figuring out the stuff of life. I don't know if we ever can.