Turtle on Its Back

I'm still feeling like a turtle on its back-constantly trying to right itself! Getting up out of bed, off the couch, and in and out of the car is still a feat. Trying hard to find the humor in it! :-)

Staying Positive

I am sick to death of negativity in people, and I am trying hard to rid myself of it. Not an easy task. I guess the easiest way to keep most of it out is to stay away--far away--from people with consistently negative attitudes. The hardest part is keeping it from rearing its ugly head in my own brain.

Growing up, I was bombarded with negativity (That's putting it nicely!), and it has taken years to work through its horrible effects. If I could only reach back and tell the child I was that none of it was true! I could cry about what she went through. When I see pictures of myself as a child, I want to tell her that she was beautiful just the way she was, that she was creative and smart, that she was kind and compassionate, that she was special. At least I know it now.

There is a line in a song that I love that claims that when our children are born, they are born into "wiser lives" because of us. I hope my children know how special they are to me and to the world--that the world became more beautiful the very moment they arrived. If that is true, then something positive has come from my experiences.

I hope that in 2009, when life hands me tough spots and tough people, that I can rise above them all and see the gifts that come as result. I hope that I can steer clear of negative thoughts about myself and others, and just keep forging ahead--staying positive--looking for the beauty and the goodness that I am graciously offered.

Time for the New Year

I am ready for new beginnings. I am hoping that 2009 is much better than 2008! I have been thinking of goals to achieve in 2009. Wonder how many I'll actually achieve? I wonder what life will throw in my way this year? Things I'd like to do:

Use up a lot of my stash and spend less on yarn. (I'm thinking this one will be the hardest.)

Pursue more friendships--in person and online.

Be a better money saver.

Bring the house up to par in terms of repairs.

Get both sons driving!

Design more of my own knitting patterns.

Make a website for my knitting business that supports online payments.

Keep a cleaner, more organized house.

Get rid of unwanted clutter throughout the house.

Lose 25 to 30 more pounds, and stay healthy!

Back in the Saddle

Progress! I just drove for the first time since my surgery. It felt so good to be out. I'm not ready for shopping yet (rats!), but feel lucky to be able to deliver children to their jobs and to school.

It is zero degrees with the windchill today. My new wonderful, wool, hand-knitted socks from Rebecca are keeping me toasty warm. What a luxury!

What A Day!

What a day I had yesterday. It is one I will not forget; that is for sure! I woke up painful, and very impatient that my recovery isn't as speedy as I want it to be. Then the mail came!

John brought in a package--a total surprise from Rebecca, knitsandspins on Ravelry. I opened it up, and the box was filled with the most beautifully wrapped Christmas presents! I started opening them, and then I started to cry. Gifts are so meaningful to me--any gifts--but these were amazing. Office supplies (one of my favorite things!), cat treats, a beautiful photo album, folding scissors with their own handmade pouch, three different kinds of yarn--including her own handspun, and a pair of hand-knitted socks. I've never had a pair. I think I cried for over an hour. Even my husband got teary. I just cannot believe that anyone would be so kind. I feel so blessed to have received such thoughtful, generous gifts. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend.

Then, we went to my brother's for dinner and gift exchange. It was so nice to see everyone, and watching the little ones open their gifts was the best possible medicine.

When I got home, I was exhausted, but happy. I thought about the blessings of the day and cried some more. It finally feels like Christmas!

Waiting Up

Waiting up again. This time it will be until around 1 am. I'm waiting for hubby to return home from D.C. Been doing this for 19 years now--waiting and worrying, that is. Walking miles and miles in D.C. at night in order to get to Union Station --just so he can catch the last train out to Baltimore. Then it's into Penn Station at around 12:30 am. to walk deserted city streets late at night. I hate it. Tonight is worse, because he is tired and under a lot of stress--work stress, and stress from doing everything for the family with me being sick. Plus, one of his tires was flat last night. He pumped it up, and went on ahead. Let's hope it's got enough air to get him home. He tells me to rest up and sleep. I can't until he walks into the back door, eats a late dinner, and then heads up to bed. Let's hope angels are watching over him, and that he comes home to us safely. Can't imagine anything else.

Tomorrow night will be a hanky night. Son Dan has his choral concert and has a solo performance with that beautiful tenor voice. I always cry--happy tears. Somehow, he came through me.

Son John has been an amazing help throughout my illness and recovery. He has handled most of our meals for us, and does so with ease. What a blessing. 19 years old this week. Hard to imagine. He has walked through fire and has come out the other side unscathed--still kind and gentle, compassionate and grounded.

This weekend, when we put up our tree, I will give the boys their yearly ornaments, and we will reminisce as we unpack the old ones. We will talk about why each was important, what each means, and I will cry when I unpack Dad's boat. As a child, I always told my father that when I was older and had a job, I would buy him the Boston Whaler that he always wanted. Well, I could never afford it, so all he ever got was a wooden boat ornament that became mine when he died. I miss him terribly. I miss his love. I see it in my boys.

See what comes out when we wait?

Holidays

Trying to put the finishing touches on the gifts has been tough this year. I still have so much wrapping to do, and because most of the gifts are for the boys and hubby, they can't help me with it. A little at a time, I guess. The tortoise always wins the race.

I hope they like their gifts this year. It never seems like very much once it is all paid for and wrapped. The boxes are so small, and it doesn't look like much under the tree. Santa may have to make one more stop out before Christmas arrives--pull that sleigh into the mall! I won't have hubby's approval for what I have in mind for the boys. He'll say it is too much money. I know it is, and I'll be paying for it for months. (He did the same thing last year when I had already finished shopping, and he went out a few days before Christmas and bought them a computer!)

I worry how gift exchange will be with some family members this year. I fear it will be strained. One side of the family isn't exchanging at all, and the other wants a real "cutback." I feel like I am getting in trouble for being kind to people. I'm told I make people feel bad by giving them things...How can that be??? I just don't understand it!!! I am a gifty kind of person. Can't help it. Always have been--always will be. It's my "love language," I suppose. [If you haven't read Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, you should. It will change your life!!]

Oh well, take me as I am--or not. I am befuddled by a world where Christmas gift giving has become an obligation to be met, where there is not any joy in giving to people who are supposed to be important in your life and in the lives of your children. Too much effort. Too much money. Too much time. In my opinion......too little love. Too little kindness. Too much selfishness. Sometimes the very best gifts cost absolutely nothing........

Back Home

There's that line in the old John Denver song, "Hey, it's good to be back home again. Then there's the line from my favorite movie of all time, The Wizard of Oz--"There's no place like home." It's funny. Right now, I'm not looking at the peeling paint, the rooms that need to be redecorated, or the unkempt rooms and closets. I'm only seeing what brings me comfort now: the faces of the ones I love, my knitting, yes--the gorgeous yarn stash that I added to before I left, my kitties, my baskets, my comfy blankets and pillows, the things that make this place feel like mine. I am so very glad to be home.

Updates

Made a trip to Woolworks today. What a great way to spend the afternoon. Found a sale--in fact racks and racks of sale yarns--yippee! Bought too much, as usual. I had a coupon for 15% off of the regularly priced stuff, so I bought a book and a few Be Sweet yarns. I hope to slow down with the purchases now. I always say that...

Trying to finish my BSJ before going into the hospital, but don't think it's gonna happen. Too much cleaning, holiday shopping, etc. to do first. What an amazing design.

Gonna try to make a Be Sweet Magic Ball scarf while in the hospital. I am going to bring my lite up needles along in case I can't sleep. Gotta pack a knitting survival kit to take with me...

Have to finish holiday shopping and wrapping tomorrow.

Anna has a kitty cold. Poor sweetie. No passing that around, thank you!

The week is unfolding quickly. Thank goodness.